Don't Starve - April 30, 2013

I first learned to love video games because of my brother; playing with him on the Nintendo 64, and later on the Xbox, were my favorite childhood memories, whether it was split-screen Goldeneye 007, Super Smash Bros, Pokémon Puzzle League, or Splinter Cell: Chaos Theory - even if playing split-screen on Splinter Cell with Carl felt like a reenactment of Splinter Cell Co-Op Theater (link: http://youtu.be/wp9O6FvyD0U ). For a long time, video games were a source of unrivaled joy in my life. Now, I can count the number of Xbox 360 games I own on one hand.

Confession time: I’m not nearly as brave as Jenny Haniver of Not in the Kitchen Anymore (who is great, and you should read her stuff: http://www.notinthekitchenanymore.com ). Because of this, when confronted with the hostility of gamers against me as a woman (especially in a competitive environment), I coped via avoidance. I just didn’t play games with people who weren’t my friends, and I avoided competition entirely. As a result, I haven’t played a Halo game in earnest since 2 (a little bit of 3, but didn’t even finish the campaign). I completely missed out on ODST, on Reach, and a whole slew of other new games I never even found the courage to try. These vicious men, protected by the anonymity of being on the other end of a microphone, ruined playing with other people (and very nearly ruined gaming as a whole) for me for years. Halo 2 came out when I was 14; I was still a wallflower at the time. I am now 22 - that’s eight years of being afraid of something I once loved.

Slowly, over the last several years, I have picked myself back up. I’m gradually getting more confident, and am trying more things outside my comfort zone. When I was 16, I played as a healer on World of Warcraft - a support role, so I wouldn’t be put on the spot for much, and I only played in cooperation with other players through dungeons. I still didn’t play against anyone; I never went near player-vs.-player battlegrounds. Part of the benefit of Mass Effect 3’s multiplayer for me is that it’s all cooperative; everyone is on the same side, trying to accomplish a task together, and it certainly helps to have friends to rely on. I’ve even been playing League of Legends for a few months now, and that’s been working out really well to get me back into playing online with strangers, though Jeff and Dylan could tell you I refused to play against anything but bots for a long time when I first started; it was a momentous occasion when I agreed to play in competition against live people. It’s a question now of whether I can swallow back all the anxiety and the self-doubt long enough to play. (What if I’m not good at this? How am I going to prove my legitimacy as a gamer if I’m not better? How much abuse do I need to take today? Is it even worth trying?) Slowly, it has become easier. I have made progress; I am proud of that, and I am only getting better.

I just picked up Halo 4 this week. I have not touched these games in nearly a decade. Tonight, I pick up the controller and see the Master Chief for the first time in eight years.

And honestly? I’m looking forward to it.

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Fri, 02 Nov 2012 02:08:00 -0400

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Nerd Talk

Don't Starve - April 30, 2013

April 23, 2013

To Kill a DJ 2013

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